When Divorce is NOT the Answer You’re Looking For
Are you committed to not getting divorced but worried that things can’t be repaired? You’re better off than you might imagine. Divorce does not have to be the answer to your problems.
Years ago, I read a statistic that blew me away. It’s been shown that couples wait an average of six years before seeking help once they begin to experience difficulty in marriage. Six years! No wonder there’s a spike in divorce at seven years.
Even if you’ve been struggling for six years or longer, there is help for you. The very fact that you’re committed to avoiding divorce gives you a tremendous advantage to work things out. Congratulations, you’re not asleep at the wheel!
Most of us commit to one another at the beginning of our relationship while in the Romantic Stage. This is when we are falling in love and have plenty of hormones and brain chemicals on board to ease the way. You’ve heard that love is blind? In this stage, we are literally blinded to differences and annoyances present in our loved one .
Within about two years, the chemicals begin to wear off and our partners start to bug us. Traits that used to be adorable are starting to cause arguments and fights. In Imago Relationship Therapy, this is called the Power Struggle Stage.
The struggle seems to be a demand for things to go back to how they were in the beginning. We beg, threaten, cry, yell and cajole and when our partners don’t change, we start to think about divorce. Is this sounds familiar, you are not alone! This round and round gets worse and worse until couples become desperate and separate. Or, some couples stay together but resign themselves to living a life of unhappiness. This does not have to be you!
As long as one of you commits to change and growth, your relationship can improve. Maybe your spouse is not willing to engage in couples therapy. If you have to go alone, do it. Just be certain to focus on what you want and need to change about yourself to make your marriage better.
In my experience, spouses often get curious as they start to see changes in each other. This frequently results in their getting involved. Remember, sometimes divorce is just a solution that becomes a bigger problem. It’s usually better to try to work things out if possible.
If you can manage to go to therapy together, it will help you to strengthen your commitment. I teach couples a new way to interact and will coach you through better communication tools. You’ll learn how to resolve conflict, melt resentment and forgive. You might even restore lost sexual intimacy.
Some couples prefer a one or two day workshop to dive in deep and resolve things more quickly. For some of your spouses, this might be an easier sell than a weekly commitment to therapy sessions.
Either way, you will slowly feel your relationship transforming. Your deeper feelings of love and respect will re-awaken. This is called Mature Love because it’s conscious and requires effort.
In the Mature Love Stage of your relationship, you’ll experience real joy—even greater than the initial feelings of romantic love and without the brain drugs! So if you’e worried that things can’t get better, relax. In the hands of a competent Marriage Therapist you have a good chance of saving your marriage and avoiding divorce!
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