How Did I End up Loving You of All People?
Love is a very mysterious thing. It has been the focus of countless songs, novels, poetry, works of art, plays, TV shows and movies. We think that all we have to do is make a list of what we’re looking for and set out to find the person that ticks all the boxes on the list. If we’re lucky enough to find that person, we are often surprised to find that “there’s just no chemistry”! Apparently, there’s something else at play that determines who we reject and who we choose to keep.
Thanks to recent advances in neurobiology and technology, we know a lot more these days about our “brains in love”. For the first time in history, science is throwing its hat in the ring to help us figure out our love patterns. Perhaps the most important thing we have learned is that our past is in our present.
What does that mean – our past is in our present?
In terms of dating, it means that even when we think we’re dealing with the present moment of what’s going on here and now, our stored memories of everything that came before are present and activated. Even when deciding whether we’re attracted to someone, there are unconscious forces at work. Our brains are busy sifting through stored memories to determine if this other person has enough similarity to our “love template” to make the cut.
This template, sometimes called our Imago (a term used by Harville Hendrix, PhD. in his book Getting the Love You Want) is our unique mental map of what love is supposed to look like.
The shocking news for some, is that this map holds the memories of all that was good and safe in our early lives as well as all that was hurtful and wounding. We are actually drawn to fall in love with someone who embodies both these positive AND negative traits of our early childhoods.
Why would we ever be attracted to, let alone fall in love with, someone who yelled like our moms or drank like our dads? We’d have to be nuts. Nuts or on drugs. Well, science has shown that we ARE actually on drugs in the early stages of love. Nature supplies us with a big dose of chemicals in the brain which allow us to exaggerate the other’s positive qualities and blind us to their negative ones. Through the work of the brain’s “chemical cocktail”—increased levels of testosterone, oxytocin, and dopamine—we experience increased sexual desire, bonding, and delight in each other’s presence. In other words, we fall in love.
As long as those chemicals are on board in our brains, we notice how our love object demonstrates the positive traits of our early childhood caretakers. Being with them makes us feel “at home”. This love is familiar and comforting. Unfortunately, these hormones and chemicals aren’t designed to last. As they begin to wear off (science shows us that the effects of these hormones last no more than a few years), we start to notice that our partners also demonstrate the negative characteristics of our early childhood caretakers. It’s at this point that you might find yourself committed to someone who yells like your mom or drinks like your dad!
It’s Complicated
Okay, so falling in love is complicated, chemical, and happens unconsciously. What’s a couple to do to ensure a happy relationship? Good question. The answer lies in a couple’s commitment to consciousness. By this I mean that couples must be aware that good relationships don’t just happen. In the marriages that last, both individuals are aware that the other is in their life to help them to heal the past and move forward together as mature adults. Without an exploration and understanding of the early Imago attraction, many couples get stuck in the power struggle which can ensue after the chemicals wear off and differences become more obvious.
Many simply give up and live their marriage as if it’s a life sentence of boredom, conflict and lack of connection. Others, about 50%, get separated or divorced. The problem with divorcing to solve the problem is that, often, couples unconsciously carry their Imago to the next lover and start the same dynamic pattern with a brand new face.
When we show up with an open heart, curiosity and lack of judgment to the story of our partner’s life, we experience profound healing and intimacy. This is the antidote to the disconnection that proceeds divorce.
Relationship is an adventure—not a problem to be fixed.
Sometimes it helps to have a guide along the way. In my work with couples, I find that most people are protesting the lack of connection and clamoring to get back to the feelings they had early on in the relationship.
Most are trying to criticize, whine, cry or stonewall their partners into loving them the way they used to. Of course, this doesn’t work!
I emphasize that passion and relaxed joyfulness are by-products of deep connection and that deep connection can only occur when both parties feel consistently safe—both physically and emotionally. Safety comes from deep listening, full presence, lack of judgement and sustained curiosity about the world of the other.
John Gottman, PhD, a leading researcher in the field of marriage tells us that couples who stay together are the ones who have a deep knowledge about the “interior landscape” of one another.
When the task of loving is made conscious, couples rise to a level of relational maturity only hinted at in the beginning of falling in love. By making our pasts clear to ourselves and our partners, we are able to heal the “then” in the “now”. This is an exciting adventure and leads to long, lasting and deep love.
If you get stuck and feel that you could use a guide, a trained Relationship Therapist can help. In particular, a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist can help you get to the heart of the matter to quickly resolve the impasse.
Watch this short video for further understanding of how we choose who to love.